- Where did I go? What happened? - over and over these questions kept presenting themselves to my mind. My memory, my wonderful memory, couldn't give a satisfactory answer. On awakening, riding the bus, or in the midst of a conversation - what a disaster! - these questions would take me by surprise.
I tried to disregard them, to pay no attention when they insolently invaded my consciousness. All in vain. Instead, they insisted on presenting themselves with greater and greater intensity.
Evidently that wasn't the way to deal with it, so I decided to change tactics. I told myself – ok, I will observe these questions attentively, there's no question but that they need a response – but no matter how much attention I paid to them, I couldn't seem to clarify the situation. "Where did I go? Where was I?" The mystery continued.
I began to talk with other people about this matter that had been bugging me for quite some time. I had decided to explain to them in detail what was happening so that I could then ask their opinion, in hopes of finding the answer in their comments. But here another problem arose: no matter how I tried to explain in the best way possible, the conversation always ended like the Tower of Babel! There was no way I could make myself understood. So neither did this turn out to be the way to reveal what was hidden at who knows what depths in my mind.
A sort of growing anxiety began to intrude itself, trying to install itself in me. So that same day I relaxed. My expectations became milder, I stopped looking for results. When the questions would come up, I would reflect briefly on them and then "let them go," allowing them to take up residence in the place they seemed to have found for themselves. Time passed by as it habitually does.
How serene and silent my mind is in this precise instant, like the still waters of the China sea. Softly the voice comes to me that says "when you find the hidden city you must know the entrance, but you will know it at the moment your life is transformed…"* Now I am back again. Nothing seems to have changed.
An intense, warm light occupies my center; sacred fire that reaches my heart and expands, filling more and more space. I stay there with the certainty that I will continue to Wake Up. There are no questions, no answers, hardly any sensation.
A gentle joy overcomes me. I see differently. People and things have an unusual depth and brilliance. My attention flows, remaining present without effort. I am where I am.
May 28, 2008 – in the morning
(*) From Chapter XIV, The Guide to the Inner Road, The Inner Look, Silo, 1973
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